Mapping The Gaps
Falling between the trains of thought and the platform
The part of life that is currently the most challenging is also the most interesting in a creepy way. I often don’t feel that I am completely here. I’m monitoring my eating and such to see if that changes the extent to which I feel disconnected… That doesn’t come out to much. The gaps just appear. Today one of my guys came to the house to tell me that someone on the gate wanted to buy 5 kg of dog food for a puppy and even using my phone’s calculator I got the price by a fair bit. All of my staff have been warned to double check all my math. I undercharged a visiting couple by 100 LE. They were happy. I entered two appointments for visits to the farm as if they were two sets of people, when in fact they were the same people. I hope this shit gets better.
I am losing track of conversations if I am interrupted…it’s almost as if someone turned off the television set or switch channels. But I can keep things together if no one interrupts me. I’ve often visualised my brain as a giant doll house where I stash memories and information in cupboards, closets, and drawers, but these days sometimes I feel as though I’ve put the key to a room someplace safe and lost it, as so often happens in real life.
On the plus side of things, doing my Qi Gong with my meditation does seem to help me get sorted in the morning. For at least a while, I find myself feeling in connection with my body. None of the doctors that I’ve spoken to here are very helpful with advice about feelings. I have to assume that they have never experienced one. I can’t imagine that TIAs only happen to older non-medical individuals like myself. Surely doctors, in fact surely neurologists, have had them too. Perhaps it is embarassing to admit to anyone that they have been tainted with the confusion that lingers afterwords. I would love to hear from medical people who have worked at recovering from this. Meanwhile, I will just keep working to continue with my feet on solid ground and continue to mind the gaps.
I haven’t had a TIA but I do know about forgetting things and being muddled. For me it is from the stress of trying to do too many things at once. Like you, in the past I could juggle many things at once. But no more. I have an Apple Watch and the level for stress should be at least 80 but it usually shows in the mid 70’s. I try to remember what I did the day before to understand what impacts it. Meditation is recommended for stress but I can’t seem to get into the routine but after reading this post I will make more of an effort. You continue to inspire me.
Not a medical professional, but sending hearts and hugs <3